Everybody move your molecules

 The amount of moaning I see happening around me shocks me. It horrifies me more that I can be worse at complaining than everyone else put together.

Which is why I was relieved this morning when, while having a wash, I realised how lucky I am to have such great friends, even if the sad truth is that we don't keep in contact very well any more.

You see, I caught the beginning of Come Dine With Me last night, a TV programme about someone cooking a meal for a few other people they've never met before. One of the guests was a man whom Channel 4 describes as "one of Blackpool's infamous drag queens". The other diners and the cook recognised him fairly early on and for the rest of what I saw they became terribly awkward around him. Since I was not in my own lounge but with family - rather than just turning the telly off or ranting at it, my defences kicked in and I started laughing at how everyone always clams up when they meet someone who is on the tg spectrum. Well, I don't know for sure if drag queens and kings are transgender folk, but if they aren't then the same goes for them in this instance.

Anyway, the point of all that was how if people find that man's situation confusing - that he's happy as a man and enjoys dressing as a woman - then they should meet my friends. I say that jokingly, affectionately, but also seriously. I don't know whether I understand them or not - maybe I do, or maybe I choose to ignore their gender and sexualities and just get on with enjoying being their friends. What frustrates me more is when some people try to invoke a reaction from me. Generally it shocks me into stumbling through an "well... yeah... it's... okay..." awkwardness that isn't really me. Maybe I should try to form a statement for them.

I guess what makes me slip into that awkwardness is working out how it ties in with my faith. For the last time, the Bible doesn't say God hates gays or you shouldn't be gay. What it does say in my knowledge is in relation to sex, i.e., it says men, don't have sex with men. Since it's part of the Jewish law, perhaps we don't even know that it's applicable to 21st Century Christians anyway, but I'm not getting into that argument because I'm already off topic. I shall just finish this tangent with how what the Bible says that I know to be true in my heart is that God loves you. And if God loves you, Jesus loves you, and if Jesus loves you then I gotta love you too. So what's awkward about that? Well, I dunno whether what you do is right or not in the eyes of God, but if you don't believe or follow him then telling you that isn't going to make much difference to your lifestyle anyway - other than maybe walking on the other side of the street to me next time.

Moving back to the point in hand - after all, this post started off with thinking about my transgen friends and then went onto my gay friends - but you're all my friends anyway and some of you are both, so. I really struggled several years ago when I tried to explain to another Christian that one of my friends would rather be called a girl's name than their birth name. He accused me on several occasions of saying that God had made a mistake when he made my friends. Even though he has more theological backing than me, I still feel like he had no right to tell me that. I mean, it made me walk away from my faith as a Christian at the time - because how could a God of Love be saying that he hated my friends?

This is why I would like to say thank you to my friend Abby for showing me that even if one Christian, no matter how much more they know about God, says something like that, it doesn't mean that each Christian thinks the same or that I had to believe the same.

I don't think that God hates anybody, and I don't think that was what the previous Christian meant. I still don't really know what he was on about though. See the bit about awkwardness 3 paragraphs ago as I go back to the point. Perhaps it's not the right method, but maybe what I do is just ignore the theology and get on with the lovin'. As I said, what I know is that God loves, so that's what I will do. Maybe one day I'll make a statement for the beliefs again.

Anyway, my friends. If I think they're complicated then they must think I'm even more so - in that kind of been there, done that, and gone back to how I was type story - sparing the details. What I will say is - Adam, Nathan, Johanna, Paul - thank you for being there through those weird years of mine. Love you lots.

Now to set about making something purple for another amazing friend who is in need of cheering up and majorly getting better. I get to see her again tomorrow in hosp - I'm a little scared in case she is as bad as she says - I've never seen someone with a feeding tube and stuff. I pray both of us and our other friends who are coming along will be strong for each other.

I love you all xxx

So. I started uni in September. I was okay then, but as the lectures and seminars started, and the reading and writing piled up, I got increasingly snowed under even though I was doing work as often as I could. I've made some great friends who have proved to me that I didn't deserve the treatment I got while I was at school. Without them I don't know where I'd be.
Last term we had a conference on the Whole Child as Learner, which was a very interesting day. The problems started when one of the speakers said that we need to have our own emotional understanding 'right' and I knew from then on that there's no way I can carry on being a teacher at this point.
I need to sort out my emotional problems, but with all of the pressure of work that I can't get through on top of me, there's no way I have time to go to the doctors and possibly counselling at the same time, there just aren't enough hours in the day.
I've been getting lots of bad panic attacks and I know this can't carry on.

Simple enough? Bad, but simple. But then we factor in my Dad, who worries that I'm just wanting to give up to take the easy option out. We have proved that with help I can achieve the assignments, but my worry is that this process takes far too long and in the end is causing me more internal distress. I know where Dad is coming from, but it feels like I'm failing him rather than just the course. And I don't know whether any other course would be just as bad because it's the essay writing that I find so difficult, not the being in school bit so much.

So, because I don't know yet whether I'll be here next year or not, what do I do in terms of housing? My friends and I have our eye on a house and we're going to look at it on Monday. There is an option for them, closer to uni, that if I drop out and they get in quick, they might be able to get rooms in Mirry's house, but I don't know what to do.

The crazy thing is that there isn't enough time to go to the doctor because of all this work I have. Yes, I know that I have just wasted 10 minutes writing this all out but I feel a bit better to get it out of my head.

I feel really trapped here. I wish I had never come.

Day 5 - Sunday - happiest moment was David telling me how his Mum was winding him up... also tied with when my Dad was talking to David's Granddad about woodwork so now they're going to do some wood turning when the weather gets better :) it will be nice for both of them to have someone to talk to about their hobby.

Day 6 - Monday - didn't really have a good day yesterday. Best moment was probably lying in until 8:50.

Day 7 - Today... not had a brilliantly happy day today either, so maybe I'll say later when the day is done if I have a better happy moment.

Apologies everyone, I've not been online much in the last few days so here are my meme updates...

Day 3, which was Friday... the happiest moment (that I'm prepared to share publicly) was playing Mario Kart at David's, we were sitting there arm in arm while nearly bashing each other with the Wiimotes as we steered round the corners. Much fun! (The better happier moment involved a conversation in the car between David and I, but it is a secret!!!)

Day 4, yesterday, well the funniest and happiest moment followed each other very well. My cousin came to the family Christmas meal with her 10 week old daughter Hannah who is so cute. Mum being Mum she wasn't very subtle about wanting to make a fuss of her and at the table Mum did just that, until Hannah reached my way so she was passed along. David was in the middle so Mum passed Hannah to him and he took one look at her, and passed her on to me saying, "I don't want to break her."! I giggled and sat with Hannah on my lap comfortably for a nice cuddle, which was a very happy moment.

Which reminds me, Amy in church this morning was holding her dolly (who had been acting as Baby Jesus in the Nativity) when she decided I needed to look after her. So there I am with this doll in my lap and George comes along to tell me that it suits me!

Day 5, today, will probably come tomorrow because who knows whether my happiest moment has arrived yet or not.

ciao

Not much made me happy today... I guess seeing all of the children in the panto again. And that Claire was back in school! 

Meme! Eight people, eight days, eight things that make me happy.

I was tagged by meltinthemist but it's harder to tag people myself because I've not got eight people on my lj who would actually post so I tag:
darmilatron , nathan_dorian , defilerpigeon , richardandfaith.blogspot.com, rockangel.co.uk, Sarah A, Vicky R and Ana on Facebook. Wow so complex!

So Day 1. I think it clearly has to be seeing the dress rehearsal of Cinderella in school today - it's the first chance I've had to see it at all. I was really cute when the prince proposes, made me feel all fuzzy! Awr. (They're year 4, it's so cute!)

I have been experimenting with the leftovers again so here's another stir fry for one. I call it the English Breakfast stir fry lunch.
ingredients (serves 1) -
2 eggs
milk
butter
2 slices of bacon
half a packet of spicy tomato Sezchuan sauce by Blue Dragon (54p)
one small carrot chopped into circles (8p in Sainsbury!)
some frozen peas
1 nest of wholemeal noodles

method
crack the eggs (separately in case one is bad, don't ruin the other too) into a jug and mix slightly with some milk (I used Dad's patented "enough" measuring system).
Heat up the wok, once ready put a dessert spoon size scoop of olive spread in to melt. After it has mostly melted, add the egg and leave for a little while, but get in there with a wooden spoon to mix it up and keep it scrambling.
take the egg out into a bowl but leave any left over spread for cooking the bacon. Make the bacon just crispy, then take them out to cut them into strips. Put the kettle on. Put the bacon back in, with the egg, and add the sauce, carrot and peas. Pour a little boiling water over the peas to help them cook. Put the rest of the water over the noodles to soak and cook them.

Drain the noodles, turn off the heat, serve!
Tastes a bit different, and probably needs some adjustments, but it was edible :)

Serves 1

groundnut oil
grated ginger
a few too many chilli seeds
cumin
Quorn (about half the normal portion size)
2 of my cooking spoons worth of orange juice (probably 4 tbsp)
1 tsp soy sauce (reduced salt)
-- stir together until the Quorn is defrosted and the juice has reduced
1 pack of sweetcorn and mangetout (but only use half the mangetout if not feeling particularly hungry)
3 more spoons of orange juice
1 tsp soy sauce
5 tsp mango chutney
-- add to the wok and keep stirring. Add more spice if needed
1 nest of wholemeal noodles
-- cook how you want - I soaked them in boiling water from the kettle in a bowl until soft

1 pair of chopsticks, two sesame seed breadsticks, one bowl, one tasty sweet and sour stir fry :)

Enjoy x

Well I never thought I'd see the day when I would be the one with a laptop open in a cafe, but the time has come as we're waiting for mum to finish work and get to the station so we can journey back with her, I've got a Macbook, and the station has kindly started providing free internet access. This will be very handy while David and I are waiting for our connections out- and inbound in two weeks time.

Speaking of our trip to Paris in two weeks, I managed to get the thoroughly confusing tickets today, which reminds me I must check the Eurostar ones before we leave this afternoon. So, until the machine at Canterbury took my first part of my return away from me, I was in possession of 14 tickets in total today!

Oh and yeah, I got my Macbook, wahey! The guy in the Apple store reckons I ought to apply for a job there or at least in Bluewater for while I'm at uni.

Well, better check those tickets. Au revoir!

*happy sigh* I am liking life at the moment. There's no other way one should look at life, anyway - being grumpy with it is boring.

Today in school I made a living room, more specifically a variation on what I imagine the cottage lounge to look like, out of a shoe box. This is for the KS1 project all to do with houses and recycling - last week we made houses using inverted cereal boxes, masking tape, corrugated card for the roof and black Sharpies to draw on the windows, the doors, the cat flaps and the bits of grass round the edges of the houses. Even though last week I didn't feel prepared to talk to the children about my example piece (I ended up stuttering along getting them to remember the difference between detached, semidetached and the terrace I had actually made), today it was brilliant. We all sat calmly in a circle on the carpet and we looked at the various things I had made for the room (a fireplace - naturally, a sofa, a coffee table, a telly and stand, a door and a window). Aside from the boys all crowding in on it and trying to touch it after being told specifically not to do so, it was enjoyable. All the while we had a brainstorm of what other types of rooms they could make and what they could put in them (although Brandon insisted on telling me something about how he falls asleep on his mother's bed instead.)

Came online a while ago to look at a few things and keep in touch with technology (having been stuck at a PC for a few days helping Josie with her reports it is much nicer to return to Mac OS X!), and through Lifehack I was prompted to have a look at Ikeahack again. I love that blog, it's so creative. There's something I really want to have a go at on there to do with colouring in paper to stick onto a bland lampshade. I love how when you're thinking creatively you, obviously, see things in a totally different light - because on the one hand, yes Ikea might be generic and uninteresting and the easy way out, but the people who do these creative things with stuff from Ikea see it as a gift from the shop that it is so generic because it allows them to build onto it into something special. Just because I don't have the skills to plane wood and make my own set of drawers doesn't mean that I can't pick one up cheaply from there and add to it. It will be one nice way to make the cottage even more homely without doing things for which we wouldn't have the funds. (Although I'm sure David's Granddad would make some nice and individual things too (: )

So having inspired my creative mind to kick in I go on from Ikeahack to find other fantastic blogs linked from there. There's one super-creative French lady who does amazing things which I will keep an eye on for inspiration, there's a Swedish student of whom I could say the same, and then there's another lady of nationality unknown who has a great blog I would like just to share with you now. The purpose of her blog is to think of three things that make your day beautiful. Isn't that fabulous? There's nothing more uplifting than seeing your day as beautiful, I'm sure it would decrease the stress levels of everyone if they tried to do so. I'm not saying it's an easy thing but if this girl can put hers up on the Internet regularly then I'm sure she's a very happy person on the inside even if she is just as normal as the rest of us.

Therefore, naturally, I am coming up with three beautiful things from today, which I've already talked about -

1. Making the cottage lounge from old bits of junk in Josie's classroom. It was great just getting stuck in and drowning out the world with all my cutting and sticking, especially with my cold becoming as bad as it has. (So much for the vegetable theory.)

2. Sharing it with the children. I got a bit angry at Kacper because he just wouldn't sit still or do as he was told, but the rest of them were mainly okay. I really like working with this age group.

3. Thinking of all these creative things I can do. And previously sharing chocolate with Josie at lunchtime, she's given me a thank you present of some money I am told to spend on such naughty food!

Much love. I wonder where David's got to, he was meant to come round for a cuppa earlier ): he's not replied to my text from this morning either. I hope he's okay.

Looks good.

I am suddenly in one of my creative-but-no-way-to-express-it-right-now moods.

It's really frustrating. I want to go for a run or something (even though I'm hopeless at moving quickly), I want to paint my room (no paint or muscle to move all of my stuff out, would require pulling my shelve thing out of the wall too), I want to make some clothes (no material), some jewellery, I want to write a song, ANYTHING. I don't want to ruin or waste any more time.

Why am I being so pessimistic? Hmm. I'll find something to do.

Happy times really!

Orchestra hit -overload-. :D

( Personal Development, Canine-Style )

This song came on shuffle on my iPod yesterday morning and I can't get it out of my head because it reminds me of my current position in life...

The sun got stuck, as it's making it's way back down,
We find ourselves, in a familiar part of town

And all that I've seen means nothing to me without you

So when I see you next we'll make the most of it,
Tell the sun to start moving again,
The taste of your kiss I still got on my lips,
And I'll take you there with me

Head crashed down, air conditioned myself to sleep,
The great night out, that will continue to the end of the week

And all that I've seen means nothing to me without you

So when I see you next we'll make the most of it,
Tell the sun to start moving again,
The taste of your kiss I still got on my lips,
And I'll take you there with me

It's you and me connected to a satellite
It's you and me love through a machine
It's you and me connected to a satellite
It's you and me love through a machine

So when I see you next we'll make the most of it,
Tell the sun to start moving again,
The taste of your kiss I still got on my lips,
And I'll take you there with me

*sigh*
4:15:00:00

Too much work D:

Still even though Mme Bell said today that every time she asks me how I am, I say so-so, I am very happy. I think next week I shall just explain that it's Wednesday mornings when I feel like that, I'm happy at other times.


Yes I am procrastinating badly from my work right now >.<
I've just realised why I'm in such a rush though - I have actually only been told this week that my mock speaking exam is Friday, everyone else knew at the end of last term but didn't tell me, when I was ill. Eureka! Doesn't mean I have an excuse not to work now though, gah.

It really is. Normally I have a rubbish day but today was so awesome. Even though I had to clean the bathroom!

Took this new userpicture which I have to say is very nice if I say so myself. Everything just feels so right ^.^
Got an amazing present amongst the great presents I got - being a drawing that has always meant so much to me but means even more every time I see it in a beautiful frame.
Had some other thoughts which I might mull over for a bit and then post about because they're a bit jumbled at the moment. It's like I'm forgetting half of them already - there's half a sentence in my head and then it just stops.
Tired now and have to work tomorrow like crazy to catch up on all the work I've not been doing. >.

Well.
I am having a few teething problems but as long as I don't make any mistakes this time it should be okay!
what on earth is she talking about?
ally has iPod touch and is messing about.

...it's Springtime! Happy Vernal Equinox everyone!

I was sure that the equinox was the 21st, but my little calendar tells me otherwise, so.

End of term! Again! I wouldn't mind this being the other way around, you know. One week a term in Bedford High and the rest in CELS. I was working my socks off today but still thoroughly enjoyed it! (:

Josie's so funny. It's such a brilliant atmosphere there with everyone at the moment (even if we're all going down with shingles) and it's a shame to have to leave them all until my exams are over.

I seriously wouldn't mind just being an all-round assistant/runner type person at that school. If they could afford to pay me to do that I would actually consider doing that rather than faffing about with medical, accommodation and finance forms for uni.